The New Yorker

 

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“I found some more acorns today.”
Adagio-allegro-2-2
“I hope you work out better than my last roommate. He had backaches, dizziness, and an erection that lasted four hours.”
“Wow—everything still has that just-created smell!”
I-before-E-2
Heavyweight
“Would you have liked any help?”
Half-of-me-pirate-2
“Go. Evolve. Don’t worry about me.”
“She wears glass slippers? This kind of aggravation I don’t need.”
“I take the fun out of everything. What do you do?”
Formaldehyde
“Father drinks, doesn’t he?”
“When I was your age, things were exactly the way they are now.”
Escher
Dog-leash
Does-this-desk-1
Do-a-rooster
Divide-space-by-seven-1
“Well, if it isn’t the dawn of civilization.”
Cutest-little-glaciers-1
Castle-dishwasher-2
Call-Jane
“Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair.”
“So that’s our offer: blood, toil, tears, sweat, and dental.”
Behind-your-ear-1
Be-afraid-to-try-2
“If you don’t have anything profound to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Mazel-tov-Josh
“Make it look like natural selection.”
Not-a-guru
Oh-is-that-today-2
“Instead of creating life, I’ve decided just to establish an online persona.”
“Why on earth would you spring for color film?”
“Can you hang on a sec? I think I just took another picture of my ear.”
Pillar-of-salt
Pinocchio-hormones-1
“I’m back. My family didn’t want to spend more time with me.”
“Whoops—sorry. That’s my porn name.”
“We understand you’re not happy with our privacy policy.”
“And then it hit me: I’m salivating over a goddam bell.”
“I wasn’t texting. I was building this ship in a bottle.”
"Simple stone tool."
“I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire week.”
So-successful-2
Space-and-time-1
Subway-waiting-2
“That’s what you’re wearing?”
“Now, remember, be the yourself we talked about.”
Unsold-copies-1
“We’ll take it.”
Who-dont-believe-in-me-1
Yo-yo-Ma
You-are-here
“Ready to head back?”
apocryphal